I called her the wrong name twice and she still called me back this morning. DO I still wait two days to call her back?
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
So was it you or me who decided it was a good idea to inscribe fuck you on the counter?
That was me. Just a 'welcome to our home' kinda thing.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
Fuck me this girl I went home with has a cover on her remote control so there is no spills to ruin it. Imagine how many condoms she's going to make me wear
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
He literally lured me in the house with his cat then we ended up fucking on the living room couch while the cat just sat there and watched
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
Randomize
