My penis is bigger than his and I don't even have a penis.
I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.
It was my penance. God came down to me in the form of an angel and said, "you must atone for your sins, by puking in your mouth at church right before communion"
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
I only got lap dances from the ugliest strippers, i couldnt stop myself from laughing the entire time.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Someone should make a valentines day card that says "I like the way you continuously consume thc with no concept of a limit other than drug supply" Because I'd send that to you.
I slept with my wedding DJ..... I think this means my life has come full circle
Arrived home from picking Mom and Nana up at the airport to find Marc buck ass nude beneath the Christmas tree. Nana says she always knew I was queer.
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