He uses pillows to masturbate.
I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories
He could rock you to sleep
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Boobs speak an international language.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
Just saw a woman trying to order Mcdonalds at a trash can. God bless America.
Woke up with a text saying "when I get to see them titties again lil ma??" With 8 beads around my neck & an empty bottle of vodka in my arms.
Its so bad though\nOur relationship has gotten to the point where im posing nude with a swiffer
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
You keep talking about hotdogs and yelling "COME ON DOWN, LET ME SEE WHAT YOU'RE WEARING"
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
im so drunk that this cat is mothering me. aggressively
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
