Last night I went to an anything but cups party. I took a hummingbird feeder. It was a terrible decision.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
At the bar. Madeline and I totally brought our own pitcher from home because they always run out. Hello alcoholism.
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
Its like the floor is slow but life is fast?
I see you found the nyquil...
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
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