Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
It was kinda bitchy last night when i brought up my pregnancy scare and you said "shotty playing with it"
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The reason i havent seen you yet better have huge tits
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell
please tell me you are kidding me
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
The sorority chicks were the Persian army, and we were their 300 Spartans. Can barely stand up now...such a good ratio
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I feel as though sleeping all day due to the effects of prescription painkillers paid for by union insurance made this the most American day ever for me
I'm questioning my decision to swallow this morning while my stomach was in hangover mode
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
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