I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
speaking of creep .. love how I kept touching strangers faces at the bar ... and saying "Don't worry I'm a dermatologist"
Life just isn't the same without him waking me up at 4 in the afternoon with a look of pity on his face...
And I just want to be like your tongue is not a FUCKING sword
We've been walking through the woods for two hours, he just keeps taking pictures. At least we'll remember this tomorrow.
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
I'm right down the road from AJ's old house and I'm getting mixed feelings. My vagina is remembering good dick. But the rest of me is remembering horrible times.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
It makes my nipple hurt just thinking about it.
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
Randomize
