don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside
yeah. pants. i need to put pants on. i didn't do that last night. big mistake
we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
You want to move to a city because of their promotional beer pricing
So?
This is why you shouldn't make decisions
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
Maybe it's just my body's way of telling me I don't need pinky toes. Like I'm the next evolutionary leap or something...
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
are you still alive?
no.
i'll cry at your funeral. and leave a burrito by your tombstone
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
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