it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
My body isn't even mad at me...just disappointed
The two guys from next door helped him do a backflip. The ended up throwing him halfway through a ceiling tile. Don't worry, we fixed it with duct tape.
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He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Taking a shit on the side of the road is not how I imagined this morning would start.
I DON'T WANT TO KNOW THE SCIENTIFIC REASONING BEHIND WHY I STARTED A HAREM ESPECIALLY NOT FROM A GUY IN THE HAREM!
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Bring a bathing suit and your good liver.
My good liver is still at the dry cleaners. Will my backup liver suffice?
Maybe
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
God this is like a meg Ryan movie without the restaurant orgasms
Not entirely sure how I got drunk off 2 mimosas but here I am
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
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