Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.
Turned out not to be so bad. He had a big dick and i owed him for all the free beer over the year.
Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
All I have done at work today is eat and try to get my coworker to tie me to his bed again
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I behisseth at your soul from the deepest darkest depths of the earth
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
welp, we watched the human centipede high last night and my mind literally shut down, when i came to all i could hear was mel saying EAT EAT HIS SHIT
Randomize
