I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best
Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.
thanks for at least making it out of the pool before you threw up
Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college
Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.
We found Kyle. He was next door yelling at the elderly couple to let him continue his golf game. No more afternoon drinking for him.
Two big black bouncers picked you up and escorted you to the elevator.
I didn't even do anything wrong. For all they knew I could have been on the US Olympic Gymnastic team. Would they kick Gabby Douglas out of a bar? I don't think so.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Just saw a fat guy on a flower print moped. He's my hero.
he just got here with a handle of tequila and box of condoms. looks like i'll be spending the weekend in bed
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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