4:12a: just got back to his place now. I don't want to talk about it
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time
no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.
What was the name of the cook I had sex with at Famous Dave's?
I mean we had sex in a crib. You tell me how my night was.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.
What kind of a birthday party isn't a get drunk and ruin everything party
Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me
I just looked into the eyes of the man whose car I peed on last night
What part of don't open in front of your kids didn't you understand? Astroglide, magnums, fuzzy handcuffs and a blindfold are going to be hard to explain as friends presents.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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