Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?
I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
Randomize
