tonight lets celebrate not being married
I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Only at Harvard can you walk in on a bunch of stoners and expect everyone to immediately stand up, shake your hand and introduce themselves like we're at a fucking job fair
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
i just got referred to as "the Loch Ness Cockster". God bless my Scottish heritage.
I haven't reeked of cheap beer and poor decisions in months. I officially hate adult life.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Randomize
