Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.
Not a chance. She stuck her hand under my kilt and she told the whole table I was indeed commando. She broke all the rules.
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
We were escorted through the guys dorm by 5 kids with nerf guns and zelda shields. I felt like the president with a fucked up secret service squad.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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