i had a dream last night that you and i organized a foursome. swear to god
ps i'll be in miami in early july. this text has no relation to the last one
All he did was lie there and used his hands to keep pace. He was like the metronome of sex.
Gentleman, we have a new medal category - number of women per day in apartment WITHOUT FURNITURE
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
Last thing I remember at your house last night is your dad leaning on the beer pong table and saying "you guys can fucking party"
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