You know im sick of people that are still obsessed w obama. that was sooooo last year
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
He pulled the pencil out of my leg and then we fucked. It felt sorta like pulp fiction in reverse.
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
Seriously. All I want right now is a 40 with a nipple on it, and a nap
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
dude you know how i got totally hammered and lost my phone at some frat when i came to visit you two months ago? yeah well someone mailed it back to me in minnesota.. with a picture of a cock as the screen savor
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize
