You were telling me about how you were gonna marry him, have his children and name them all woodchip.
I told her I was pledging and she immediately proposed to give me head in the bathroom. i love how easy rushees are
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.
im dirt poor will suck dick for halloween costume
i would rather give Shaq a handjob than take this accounting final
Pretending to be straight requires way more energy than I'm willing to use in this heat.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
OMG BTW REMEMBER HOW HE ORDERED PIZZA THAT ONE TIME WE HOOKED UP. APPARENTLY HE WAS HANDING IT OUT TO PEOPLE WHO LIVE IN MY BUILDING AS HE WAS LEAVING
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
i just had diarrhea that people from the 1930's would have died from
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
