my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I want him in the "you're a terrible idea and are probably going to get me killed by my parents, my siblings, and my boyfriend" way
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
Your argument isn't valid... just because I test the waters doesn't make me gay. Makes me versatile. And who doesn't love that!
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I haven’t been this excited since I found out they sold cases of Jack Daniels.
Ugh. All the good hoes are in their third trimester.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Randomize
