what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
There are about 5 pictures of my dog taking a dump on my camera and 20 of Brandon taking one for "comparison" reasons.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Come back. Shots need mouths.
I had to switch to male Siri because I could feel female Siri voice judging me for reading my sexts out loud. Also, the dude voice keeps me in the mood.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
National tequila day this year falls on a Monday. I've never been more disappointed in my life.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
The pandemic has not made Uber drivers any less chatty.
Randomize
