birth control and beer are two of the most beautiful creations ever invented.
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
This is drunk me apologizing to sober me in advance.. I am sprry about you're trashed house. Mom an dad will be home by 5 so get up and clean. P.s. Mike is in the closet passed out.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
There is a contact in my phone named "Bar Mcntysu." this is why we need a third person to go out with us.
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Just high enough for therapy.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
The paramedics were not my fault this time.
The nice lady at the neighborhood liquor store informs me that we have a new woman-run neighborhood sex shop. Jesus loves me and wants me to have a happy Valentine's day.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
So I considered mediating this morning and instead I master-bated...same thing right?
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
Randomize
