I murdered the dance floor call the cops
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
Following a car with a GPS. We don't know where he's going, but he probably has a better idea of where we're going than we do. Also, very high.
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends
I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?
Look, the fact that I didn't kick him out and rip your clothes off speaks very highly of me.
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I had to rip your toilet paper for you...
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
literally 50% of my time being 20 has involved my genitals thus far
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
Randomize
