i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
This has been the biggest binge-drinking season of the decade.
Just warning you now f you do not get intoxicated with me in front of the family on thanksgiving we are not related.
Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.
Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
Give me an out of order sign and caution tape and we can have sex practically anywhere.
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
