What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
I'm too high to be shopping. I just contemplated deoderant for fifteen minutes. Now testing pillows
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
I'm not making any promises. But if I start throwing food at you, just go with it.
What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
I'm sorry about all of the innappropriate shoe throwing
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
you have to get here a cop came into the bar and she looks like Sarah Palin. I think I'm gonna try and bang her
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
