I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
Woke up with a squirrel in my bed, how was your night?
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
And then the night went full on bisexual.
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I was drunk, but not drunk enough to forget I had some dude on his knees begging for forgiveness.
I think its a little fucked up she invited you to her wedding, are you going?
There is a lot of acid in my drugs right now
....ill put you down as a no then
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
Randomize
