no, i'm proud of you. this is the happiest you've been since you discovered that bowls can be used as cups if you don't feel like washing dishes.
why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal
I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.
Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.
the coastal evacuation route ends at my vagina so you can just skip the bullshit and come over
you should probably know that there's a naked dude in your window
i wouldn't normally say anything but you seem to not be there
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
I'm not sure why he thinks weird that I masturbate AND look at pinterest at the same time.
She's currently singing "I'm gonna keep on lovin you" to her pillow. How do you think tonight went?
I found my wallet. Still have no idea when I put mad dog in my steel water bottle, though...
he walked off and puked in the sand. then he made a sand castle over it so that "it wouldn't upset the kids"
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
So I hung out with an australian but woke up with a British man in my bed does that make me culturalized
Randomize
