you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
The best revenge is premature balding
She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.
just peed on my shirt somehow, im calling it a day
Still breathing?
Still breathing , but quite out of it. I think I hallucinated like 20 action sequences.
What.
Woo is fucking right, dude. Vodka night tonight. Honestly, every night pretty much seeems like vodka night lately. My liver wants to move out of my body like I gave it an eviction notice.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
Randomize
