I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.
maybe i'll see you again later :)
I'd rather shit a knife.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.
My clit is not a Gobstopper. Cut it out.
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
His cat watched us the ENTIRE time. Every time I glanced over the poor kitty looked at me as if I were pelvic thrusting her father to death.
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
it’s not easy to sexualize brunch. work with me, babe.
So it's official...my sex life has improved since Pokemon came out...
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
you thought the best thing to say to him was "you aint no fuckin cop"
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