my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
You're barking up the wrong lesbian.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.
What color are my eyes?
Ummmm... 34 C?
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Nothing says Panama City like condoms washing up on the shore.
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
Who brings nunchucks to a funeral?
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
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