she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.
Drunk at a girls little league game. Hello summer.
I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college
had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon
She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
the bouncer just handed me a Starbucks bag of pound cake
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
No way man ... This is real life. Complete sentences and everything.
Randomize
