Apparently oprah and I were in competition to see who's ass could get bigger this summer
She just used a turkey baster to transfer alcohol from the glass to the bottle. Just thought you should know
I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.
Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
He's such a neat freak that he started making the bed while I was still laying on it naked. He succeed in case you were wondering.
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
the guy working the counter at the liquor store noticed i got my haircut and said it was pretty.....
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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