im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs
Wtf? Why?
I want awesome conversations to show the world.
about to try to wax my asshole... wish me luck
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
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A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding
Can I have him when you're done?
Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
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you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
Dude, you got arrested and then texted 911 to tell them you'd been kidnapped with a screenshot of your current location.
We took vodka shots. You kept saying it was the key to your heart.
I have this vague feeling that I was involved in a dance off with a homeless man?
you stood in front of the mirror for 20 minutes and finally said, "he can hear everything i'm saying inside my head. we need to leave." now try and tell me there is no such thing as too high.
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