I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
you ever feel like there is a sober person insided you pointing and laughing....?
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
I have a music final in an hour so I put all the classical songs we need to know in a shower power hour playlist, beer included.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
If you don't see me at the bar tomorrow night, I was most likely captured by the communists.
THE FASTEST WAY TO MY HEART IS THROUGH FAMILY SIZED BAGS OF GENERIC BRAND CHEESE BALLS
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
I got sriracha sauce on my mask while I was eating fast food, now wearing it makes me hungry
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