Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
You have 4 bottles of kahlua in ur drawers but no sox
time to play the game of how much Christmas shopping I can get done before these shrooms kick in
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
Is there a single word to describe 'the last guy she slept with before meeting her husband'? Cause there should be.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Why are you barefoot at a strip club?
It's done, I'm done, goodbye veneer of class and dignity it was nice knowing you
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