I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
found an unmarked box of photos in the garage, they were from when my parents first got together. It was fun laughing at their ridiculous eighties outfits and hairstyles, until I found a pic of my dad. naked. with a boner.
just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang
really making moves this morning i see
I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
So because I got upset you didn't answer I threw my phone in the garbage disposal last night
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
Actually, lets be honest. I will probably keep calling him the pastor because it brings me joy using pastor and fuck buddy in the same sentence.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I FOUND A VIBRATOR IN MY BABY BROTHERS ROOM. IM FREAKIN OUT MAN ITS BIGGER THEN MINE
put it back and chill out ok
NO FUCK HES 15 WHO EVEN SOLD HIM THAT HES A BABY
I am going to constantly be reminded of you for the next couple of days because of how sore my vagina is. It's just the price I have to pay.
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