I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
Just so you know the unusual amount of skittles on your floor is entirely your own fault. You bought me 20 bags of them while I was high.
Drinking a grey goose and water in a random chair that I found by the road by myself
So there's that.
I'm serenading his dick with my words. I understand how poets get inspiration now.
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
burned my penis with a sauteed onion again.
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
Did he pick you up in a mini van?
Yes. Turns out my sugar daddy is about to be an actual daddy
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