I made out with a fat chick last night in a hot tub... btw I am breaking up with you
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
These Attractive Criminals Got Modeling Contracts After Getting Arrested
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
He tricked me into going on a double date with him, I don't like that he's not using me for just sex anymore
He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.
Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"
This Girl’s Unbelievable Catfish Story Will Make You Rethink Online Dating
I just traded 5 cigarettes for a sandwich on they greyhound.You owe me 5 cigarettes. I told you I would get hungry.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Literally had a conversation with the pizza as to why it was a bad idea to reach in the back seat and grab a slice while driving. The pizza was right, it was safer to just wait until I got home.
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
Smoking a bowl and ordering Dominos, you want in on either, both, or none?