Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
take 3 tylenol pm's and try playing basketball.
I was asking the bouncer, "if I fall will you catch me?" which then turned into "if I jump off the roof will you catch me?" He said no.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I still can't get over the fact that he thinks I have my life together... That has to be one of the nicest yet most sadly misled things anyone has ever said about me
Shoot me. Oh my god shoot me. My moms ex "likes assholes"
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
The only thing left on my Bucket List is getting fingered at an aquarium.
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
