I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I woke up smelling like the ciroc you tried pouring into my mouth last night. I think my clothes are still soaked
I'm about to do the walk of shame in a christmas onesie. What would I do without christmas sweater party season?
OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
We were banging then all I remember is coming down hard and smashing my top teeth off his forehead. I just rolled off and tapped out. Done-zo
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
so how was it...?
sadly not as impressive as one might expect from a division one athlete. he lacked the stamina i had hoped for, and by lacked i do mean he fell asleep while he was still inside me. an epic wtf moment, i know.
After the bar we stopped to Meijer where I found myself singing little mermaid while rubbing a pack of hotdogs on my face..
All i want from a relationship is to get drunk watch pirates of the Caribbean and have sex
It’s bad enough my brother slept with half of the sorority this year, but now he’s lifeguarding at the club and every divorcée and cougar in town is asking me for his number. My twin is a manwhore and I’ve become his pimp.
Randomize
