We played Rock, Paper, Scissors last night to see who was the least drunk to drive.
The Rock won.
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
She stuck a Big Gulp bend-y straw up his ass to see if he could handle anal.
Ew, and?!
Well he couldn't and the deal was he had to drink something using it afterwards.
can't come out tonight. went to the bar again last night and the bartender hugged and thanked me so much for my "generosity." I'm intrigued but terrified to see my credit card bill.
She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.
So I'm at that stage in my life where I am stalking my stalker just to get laid
She just drunkenly falls over and yells " I lost my footing!" in a british accent and then proceeds to run into the wall... did you spike her water?
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
All I remember about last st pattys day was I was in a bathtub with full bubbles, fully clothed, drinking out of a flamingo lawn ornament that someone cut a hole in.
I am available for nakedness
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