she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
ALL CAPS CUZ ITS SERIOUS SHAME.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I went 670% over budget on my vacation. My accountant would flip if he weren't me.
How the fuck do you have so much free time?
Polyphasic sleep schedule.
For whatever reason, whenever she's drunk off Crown, all she wants to do is jerk me off with her feet.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
apparently ive been in a long term relationship for the past 1 1/2 years w/ out knowing
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