sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
The cab driver is now flexing at a red light...
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
Nobody will take a lit match to your nipple without warning you this time. Pinky swear.
Omg drank too much. Threw up in my Santa hat on the train and then of course it leaked all over me.
i believe in u and ur pee
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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