Tell Heather sorry for burning her hair. Also for anything else that I may have done that warrants and apology. Anything after about 10pm is kind of hazy.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid
He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.
Dude, they're still mid-coitus. Pretty sure running in to high five my roommate mid-thrust is a mood-breaker.
All I am going to say is this: I woke up with lots of bruises on my knees from running around on all fours being a 'dinosaur'. Either girls night in went terribly wrong or terribly right.
I came so hard I burst a blood vessel in my eye. If i cant marry this girl, I'm gonna have to switch teams.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I just woke up naked next to a GetGo sandwich and I can hear my cats are eating my combos. So that's my life.
I was telling my friend about your penis and the only word I could think of was voluptuous. You have a voluptuous dick.
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
I’M DRUNK AND EXCITED.
Randomize
