Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
Just saw a car with license plate GYPSYS that was full of gypsies
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I peed in a 7/11 last night. Like literally pretended I pretended I was shopping, looked around, and peed on boxes in the corner. No more tequila
I hooked up with a guy dressed as Justin Timberlake, while dressed as Britney Spears. Fuck Jessica Biel, all my 90's dreams are coming true.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I bet my lungs hate me more than my liver
That's a hard toss up
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
Like bruh, I’m a free range girlfriend
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