i threw up in a trash can last night at kellys irish times. but in a trash can because i'm a lady
I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
jersey shore has given me a vivid depiction of what things will be like for me once i get to hell
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
Why can't they just let me be the gorgeous cum dumpster that I know I'm meant to be?
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
Yo did you say we are blacking out saturday night and playing dodgeball?
Yeah for relay for life. Its for cancer
Never thought I’d use my computer science degree for teledildonics, but here I am
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