On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
What's life without a lamp shade you wore home?
FYI: telling a guy his dick is more impressive than you remembered it - they don't take it as a compliment.
Got home last night and found a Big Mac in the shower, tampons all over the place, and two pairs of your panties on the front porch.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I Have a huge scrape on my knee and I need a better excuse than dry humping on a park bench...
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
What do you think would be the best way to remove a baby carrot from a vagina?
Randomize
