my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
If this place produced love children they would be born wearing Lilly Pullitzer with raging coke addictions.
Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy
It was like good, clean fun, but with bodyshots.
So I am guessing last night was a success we are all accounted for and only 3 of us have hospital bracelets on
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
I immediately retract my statement involving hylecopters being allowed to blow up sharks out of the water.... The idea if it is super incredible but ultimately it would be cruel and unessesary
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
The fake number she gave me was for Pappa John's. Now I have a large pepperoni on the way.
I just bought a butt plug on Amazon prime day and you're the only person I felt would appreciate that decision