I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
his profile picture is him throwing up "#1" hands after his lax championship next to his coach that i fucked....embarrasing for him, yet ironically beautiful for me.
29 “I’m Getting Old” Moments
You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.
St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
Hey, if I can't get it and you're still alive, can you get the glass out of my foot? Happy Sunday.
And. I know i am a gay man cause when i saw the pic of his cock his feet were in it and i am like what the fuck?
19 Worst Song Lyrics of All Time
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
Also, I just realized you seduced me while in a batman onesie... Well done, sir. Well done.
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
If catching your vomit in my hands while swimming in a bath tub full of it doesn't make us best friends, I don't know what will