i can smell the iron from margo's period blood from across the table.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.
Well we're gonna drink when we get home and I just invited the cab driver to play beer pong
your drunk ass trust falled a guy double fisting bud limes and as a result your head bounced off the patio table. So that might explain the stitches on the back of your head.
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
To give you an idea, there's a group upstairs trying to break down a door with their fists and heads.
You said you were uncomfortable with your body and then you started making whale noises
Holy high batman
The hairdryer was like a fuckin obstacle course
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Like how hard is it to come up to me with chocolate and wine and say "hey, you're beautiful. Wanna marathon Doctor Who in sweatpants?" Hell yes!