Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.
I guess I'm open to more types of dick now
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Mom just walked in with a bag of weed and funyuns. I'll talk to you later.
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.
Many a woman has been in tears over the passing of my penis' whorish ways.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
I was puking for like ten minutes when I realized my parents were fucking in the shower and were afraid to come out
Randomize
