Did he leave or is he still there?
He left right away, I might have passed out. I saw your text and was like who left where? Then the oh shit feeling sunk in, hangover starting now.
fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?
Winning.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
It was fun until I shot a pea out of my nose while throwing up. Left over tuna casarole at 3Am was a terrible choice.
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
He asked the clerk if they sell a penis-shaped brander.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
I think it's god's punishment for my behavior in Vegas . Lies were told. Angels were defiled. Pools were pissed in
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
