I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.
Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"
i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
Apparently I tried my hand at mustard juggling. I wasn't very good.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
Just woke up in my fuck buddies bed with, from the looks of her ass and side boob, a girl that is not my fuck buddy. This should be interesting
I'm too old for chlamydia. That's for 20 year olds who go to clubs and do drugs I've never heard of.
If he sends me a dick pic so help me god.
You've hit rock bottom, swam around the ocean floor, and brought back silverware from the titanic.
Randomize
