they made me velveta mac and cheese and fish. I wanna stay here the rest of my life
I'm just not sure how to initiate the "do you want to have sex with my boyfriend and I" conversation
I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Still dying that you shit outside
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Do you guys think there will be a coke-for-Molly barder at bonnaroo?
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
Whats a little naked between friends. Just don't laugh or I'll be scared for life.
Is "You've never made me cum." an acceptable breakup line?
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
