I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I just tried to put my feet in my slippers and found cans of beer in them. Christmas in fucking july.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
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im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found
I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
He autographed my vag. This fuck just got authentic.
Stop calling dibs on everything with a vagina you jackass.
That should be the title of my autobiography.
I touched a dick in church today
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Bold words for someone NOT on a unicycle
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