Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.
This beer is not sobering me up at all
the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears
If this party got busted it would be an improvement
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
I'm currently deliberating if I'm going to be too drunk on New Years to handle wearing false eyelashes.
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
she passed out standing next to the car. her head hit the door so hard the alarm went off. she instantly snapped out of it and started sprinting away
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