Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
she's into porn, im staying here tonight
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.
And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa
So the crazy cock blocking bitch sent her a picture of her boobs using MY phone and said: he's busy at the moment
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
just saw a kid get pissed on buy a tiger at the zoo. His dad is rofling and the kid is crying. I think I have to go make a new friend
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
Why do I have a wristband from the birthing center at the University of Maryland hospital....
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
