Ugh now I'll have to carry around an overnight bag to all the bars I visit tonight. but hey! maybe I'll meet a dude! And need it!
the doormen always congratulate him in spanish as he walks me downstairs in the morning
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Tell me the dirtiest joke you know
Sarah Palin
god, I love you
i probably shouldve stopped when i uncurled the curly straw in my cocktail because it was slowing me down
'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
it's almost 8pm and i'm still hungover. at what point do i alert someone?
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
I just masturbated while watching Say Yes to the Dress
This is what my life has come to
i have too much dick at my disposal? i should make them fight. best dick pic gets laid
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
