all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
Get to the bar. Power hour leading up to the rapture.
Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
Brother gave me a harry potter philosophy book for xmas we need to get stoned and talk about this.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Randomize
