When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?
i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party
Between my vibrator and my iPhone carpal tunnel is inevitable.
Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
dude i should have never cleaned my ears out while high. theres no going back.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
The weekend was a blur. There was vodka and penises and orgasms. I played a game of Cock Roulette and won big
Randomize
