A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
in my opinion joe jonas is kinda pointless. hes just the pretty boy front runner.
you left your dildo in my car
rules of finders keepers apply
if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Caitlin, you were laying in your bed feeding your dog ritz chips and singing a whole new world at 4am loud enough your neighbors came over an asked you to stop.
I love my life
i’n just gonna forge ahead, gag reflex be DAMNED.
Yelled "don't taze me bro" as the police officer tazed me. Cross it off the list.
IT'S MY BIRTHDAY. I SHOULDN'T HAVE TO DRIVE 3 HOURS FOR BIRTHDAY SEX.
Randomize
