Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
dude, that chick is coming to see me and stay for 2 nights. I'm hitting the 3rd in the trifecta of friends.
You're one hell of a depraved bastard dude, I'm borderline speechless. You officially win.
They all have matching tattoos so they're all official bffs. I love my life.
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
The irony of calling it Pride is that you do things that no one should be proud of.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.
Granted I did fall into a pond wearing your dress, but I did save a frog in the process so I think it was worth it.
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
3-9 out of 10... Depends on the situation. Taco Bell is more of an idea than a restaurant.
How stoned are you?
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
and then you two started interpretive dancing to Mozart
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
He ate me out in a golf cart while I watched the sunset. You are so right, golf skirts do provide amazing access.
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